Motivation Monday- Living Without Regret
I promise I will start writing about things I find funny or interesting soon. Last post was pretty sad. While that one was sad this one is going to be more of a hopeful tone… I hope.
The first time I actively thought “is there anything that I regret” was when my grandfather, who has since passed (RIP), was moved into a nursing home. Just the year prior I was living with him, and after he got sick he started going really fast. Now of course I wanted to visit as much as I could, but I also had this scary thought of walking through a nursing home seeing people at the end of the road. The thought that all these people were once young just like me with hopes and dreams trying to find a purpose in life. Thats when I had the thought that once you get to this place its pretty much over. Theres almost no more opportunities to do what YOU want to do. That is the first time I thought if I ever get to this place I don’t want to have anything that I regret. If you do have things that you regret and you get to that place I would think that is a lot of what you would think about. You are at the end. There are no more redos.
Up until now in my life I have had plenty of moments I regret and have had plenty of things that I never acted on and also regret. So it really is a two way street of will I regret something if I act on it or will I regret something if I don’t. Ive come to realize that the latter is a more healthy choice. It is better to act on something and put it into the universe then hold it in and let it fester in your head. I have decided to start acting on these thoughts that fill me with regret.
One of my biggest regrets is that I am in love with a girl and I have never told her. Its quite possibly the only time I have ever felt that. I have made it over 26 years on this Earth and its never really been a thought to find just one person to be with and possibly stay with that one person forever. Over time, I have realized that this feeling is just something I have repressed and it even took multiple friends and family members saying “What the fuck are doing Kohler? How have you not acted on this?” Honestly I have been scared, and thats lead to regretting not telling her. Now why wouldn’t I be able to just express how I feel? Why would that scare me? Well, its possible that this results in me losing a friend. Now that would be absolute worst case scenario and I don’t think that is the likely outcome but it is a possibility. Im not sure how people in our friend group are going to respond to this. Im not sure if its going to go well or not. My hope is that this weight will be lifted from me. I hope that no matter what happens, I wont think everyday about how I would tell her it would just be done. Its hard but it is time for me to move on with or without this person and everywhere in between. In the best case scenario its a mutual feeling and we can go from there. In the worst case scenario its the end of the friendship. Either way its not going to be the way it was prior to the discussion and I have to be ok with that. Honestly I am.
Now at this point I have spent the entire weekend with this person. We surprised one of our close friends for her birthday. We day drank with some our best friends. However, that is not the reason I came. I came to get this off my chest. So the next part of this is going to be my thoughts after talking to her…
Here we are back in Austin, TX. Everything from here is Kohler from present day. Everything prior to this ^^^ was written pre discussion with this person. So, a one word description of how it went would be: rough. It was hard to even say, and I usually always have something to say. It was one of the most conversations I have ever had in my life, and it was one I could not talk my way out of. It was what it was. I honestly hadn’t realized how little I get nervous until I did this. Honestly one of the least pleasant experiences I have ever gone through. BUT do I feel better or worse now that I told her. I feel much better. The easy thing for me to do would be to push this down, pretend everything is fine, and have a mental breakdown at her theoretical wedding sometime down the road. Now, I don’t have to live with that regret, I just know. I can move forward in my life without worrying about it. It eliminates the “what if” thoughts I would constantly if. Now I just know. I am sure there will be further repercussions of awkward situations and awkward conversations, but I feel like I can be myself again.
Its one less thing thing that Im going to be worrying about when Im locked in that retirement home. Just staring at my view of the bank across the street. Wondering when my theoretical kids are going to come by to see if Im dead yet. Thats a win to me. As Shane Falco once said “Pain heals, Chicks dig scars, Glory lasts forever”
If the person that this is about ever gets to read this, and I hope you do honestly, here is a much more coherent version of what I want you to know:
Im really am sorry if this put you in a weird spot. I really am sorry I let my personal feelings get in the way of our friendship. You have been one of the people I have been closest to for the past 5 years or so, and it sucks to have to lose that. At the end of the day though, just be happy. With or without me in your life. Thats all that matters. If you ever need anything of course I am here for you always. I also need to do what’s best for me, and that means its never going to be like it was. It will all work itself out in the end.